Dear UC and Moon,
I almost didn’t write you this congratulations letter, because Taylor just told me the McRib is back at MickeyD’s for a limited time only. I’m sorry, you know I love you both, but I love 24 hour drive through windows more. Try to be understanding. But really, I want to thank you for pointing out to your loyal audience how much I support my son. And dang it, I will be here for him when Swiftner goes the way of Taylena, leaving Taylor crying into his jorts and inspiring T-Swizzle’s next hit songs: “Turns Out Werewolves Suck,” “I Moved to Georgia and Now I frickin Hate it,” and “Chris Hansen, Here’s a Million to Pretend These Past Months Didn’t Happen.” See you at the buffet, you lovely ladies – my respect for you is higher than my cholesterol. But you know … that’s normal.
Big Daddy “Filet-o-fish” Lautner